Yet I felt so embarrassed when everything I told You about was the only trifling thing that has no worth !

God, I don’t know to whom I am longing but You, a figure that always seems too real though I can’t even see you in the eye. God, tell me why I got this sad right now. Tell me why I feel so lonely and have no one to own as well as not be owned. And now my day began to be an empty space. Here I start to realize that whom I thought was mine, officially belongs to someone else. But still, I regret only one thing that I can’t reveal anything about clearly to You, emotionally fail to keep my best faith to You. About the feeling that started to change. Although previously I thought it was the same feeling, my alter ego. But if I’ve let this in, then what distinguished me with those whom I thought they were wrong. God, why this part of life leads me to an immoderate story. At that time, I honestly could easily begin to be sad even only a day he disappeared and thought he would be lost forever (and now it happens).


God, I really need someone to moan. Telling him the story of a life that isn’t always beautiful. Appreciating any life plot together anyway. God, can I have one? Without letting him away. Without letting them away. Because this love is really made for them as they love me - if only they do. God, I trust in You if they don't; anyway.

And God, lately it started to feel sad again. I know nothing about and just feel it, but I'm sure You certainly know more about the thoughts I don’t even know (or maybe too embarrassed to accept it). God, if happiness is constructed by the human mind itself but still it is hard for me to try and now I'm starting to feel matchlessly lonely. Whom I am actually expecting to fill this happiness? I do not even know. I am now can easily getting sick with any instantaneous goodness of people around me. I wonder what prompted them to make me happy and then just dump me away, often happened.

It may be a depressing life, but I still have to appreciate what You gave because I believe there will be things that are much better behind this all, beyond my own expectation. Although I myself feel sorry for this part of life, I knew it was purely because of my own fool. Even I am ashamed to be stupid like this shit. I'm also sorry for myself. I still need a person who taught me to enjoy life and appreciate any destiny and grooves that have been passed.

God, many regrets that seemed to stop me to feel happy then. In the deepest of my heart, I feel a deep loneliness. I feel like he, who in fact always there for me in every way of life, over the next few years, will someday disappear. He gave a comforting sense that made me very scared to lose. He made me feel as if he is the one that always there because he is true. He made me depend on anything on his side till I realized I can have no one else but him. He taught and laughed on me, he smiled and mad on me, he shared and cared to me. These all have driven me afraid if one day he would leave me by his happiness (and it happened). Perhaps his happiness isn’t me but he still has to know, I am waiting for ours someday though only through an ordinary friendship.


Whatever happen later, I hope he is still always a part of the loveliest godsend for me.